Lag Ba'omer

 Yossi can't walk but he is standing, held up by Dov.

Knees buckling, he takes a few steps with wide uneven gait.

He looks all around laughing, happy.

He's waving his hands excitedly as he passes 770,

 and I know that the Rebbe is waving right back.

I'm marching too. I'm pushing my baby carriage.

They said that it wasn't a viable pregnancy.

But a Rebbe sees things that doctors cannot.

Emotions rise up as I recall the Rebbe's blessings,

In the letter that kept my faith through many uncertain weeks.

I blink away my tears as I pass 770,

I'm bringing Shneur Zalman to the Rebbe.

Miriam Simcha looks beautiful in her long skirt and long sleeves.

She is marching with her class,

walking confidently, never breaking her stride.

She is proud to be a soldier in the Rebbe's army.

She is marching towards the Geulah.

tumor talk

Yossi enjoyed our exclusive love and attention for 12 years until his sister came along. Then he had surgery for scoliosis that was badly needed. For an unexplained reason he never regained his previous mobility. After these events, we started to think about changing up Yossi's activities and restructuring our routine. Despite moving to a new neighborhood, living for months in a construction zone, loosing a baby, and moving zaidy into our home, We managed to get into a rhythm. Then one day two years ago all that changed. 

We received a call from Yossi's school. He had a bump on his neck that was swelling up and so we picked him up early from school to get it looked at. i wasn't concerned at first but suddenly there we were, days to Pesach-me at home with newborn shneur zalman and dov shuttling Yossi from doctor to doctor and exam to exam. The results came, Yossi has a desmoid tumor in his shoulder.

we're fortunate to have seamlessly incorporated chemo into our routine with a daily pill via gtube but it's not without its challenges: clogged feeding tube when the pills don't dissolve well, a new awful tremor disorder brought on by the quarterly MRIs done under anesthesia, loose bowels, urinary retention and trouble bearing weight. It's not easy cleaning mounds of soiled laundry every day (hoping the smell comes out), or desperately trying to fix clogged tubes (of course  late at night).  It's painful watching Yossi come home from school exhausted,   leaning awkwardly to the side under the weight of the tumor, buckling at the knees  or shaking for hours on end (bli ayin hara it's been controlled for many months now).  finding out that the medication wasn't working was a difficult moment for us. Baruch Hashem there is another medication now available-he's been on it for several months and the first scans show that the tumor shrunk significantly. We are so relieved that things are finally heading in the right direction and we continue to daven for the tumor to go away completely and for no side effects from the chemo and the anesthesia.

When I sometimes mention it in passing I'm always surprised that its the first time people are hearing about the tumor. That's because I've never told anyone- with little kids and high needs kids at home, there isnt much time left for socializing. we continue to daven for the tumor to go away completely and now that you know, you can daven too!

Shlissel challah

Silver bowls gleaming

Balls of Dough perfectly rounded

surround you from kitchens worldwide

They Form a circle of protection around you

A prayer. on the lips of woman everywhere

"hashem, how long can she stand by the gate??unlock the doors!!!

Send her wishes pouring out,

Make all her dreams come true"

Miracle on a Bike

Like many of the children on the surrounding streets, my friend's kids ride their bikes and scooters daily to their schools in the center of the neighborhood.

Last week a friend's child was hit by a car that didn't come to a stop while pulling out of a driveway. Although the bike is damaged and the child banged up, Baruch Hashem he sustained no major injuries, and the mother was very grateful for the brand-new helmet that was less than a week old.

While recounting the story to a visitor, my friend realized the full extent of the Diving Providence behind the new helmet.

My friend goes upstate every Purim. Over the course of Shabbos, her youngest lost his shoes- the only pair he had brought with him. After searching the house high and low, she took him to the nearby Walmart after Shabbat for a new pair. She decided to take along one other son so he could get some things he was missing. While there she had him try on a new helmet as his was looking aged and worn. Had the shoes not gone missing, she would have planned Walmart for Sunday with the entire family in tow, and they would have ended up skipping it all together as the morning ran well behind schedule.

As frustrating as it is when we misplace things, everything has a reason. Every detail is orchestrated by G-d, even a pair of shoes has a purpose.

Tanta Pesha

A few nights ago I was sitting on the floor reading books with Shneur Zalman and he brought over my wedding album. We flipped through the pages together until I came across a particular photo. I called across the room to Yossi "hey look it's Tanta pesha"! Immediately Yossi began to turn deliberately in several directions looking for her all around the room. Dov brought the album over to Yossi who became very excited while looking at the photograph.

In that moment I was filled with both wonder and pain. 

Pain that it's days away from her 15th yartzeit and moshiach isn't here yet. Pain that so much time has passed. Pain that I'm forgetting someone from whom I was inseparable.

 And Wonder. Wonder that Yossi remembers. Yossi remembers someone he last saw when he was two. He remembers someone from 15 years ago whose name we rarely mention, whose picture we seldom display. He remembers. He remembers the hours pesha held him and rocked him. When we were stressed and worried about his health she'd take him from our arms tell him softly to "come chill with your Tanta Pesha". Yossi has always seen beyond what the eye sees, so I should not be so surprised that he remembers and deep down I know that my neshama remembers too.

Walking

 One day at a time one step at a time- shneur zalman is walking! He took off a few days ago and hasn't stopped since. Seeing Yossi struggle with walking makes each of these steps that much sweeter. Each moment is precious to me, I can't get enough of it! I don't know what the future holds but seeing shneur zalman reach this milestone is reassuring, I know that everything is gonna be alright.

Saluting hatzalah

 I was walking home shabbos afternoon past my neighbor's house. He was just sitting down on his porch to enjoy some fresh air with his wife. Suddenly his hatzalah radio went off and in seconds he was in his car, medical bags in tow, running to help someone in distress. I stopped to talk to his wife and we observed the children of another neighbor walking together towards  home, their father having left shul to go on the same hatzalah call. 

Thank you to all the volunteers who give up their family time, their down time, their any time to run and help someone in distress. Thank you to the wives who hold down the fort. Thank you to the kids who miss their dads. Thank you to the humble and giving individuals who have shown up for us time and time again.