Friends

I didn't do it on my own

You held my hand

You, and you, and you

You rolled up your sleeves

When I despaired

Buried under the rubble

You forged the path with me

I taste the freedom and the triumph

And I'm grateful 

For the blessings,

Are so much sweeter

When we are United together

Different people have lifted me up

At different stages in my life

And pulled me through when I didn't know

What the next day would bring

And life is hectic and it's hard

But it's beautiful

*Composition date unknown. Found an old file of mine..

Lech Lecha- Hello Brooklyn

 Go forth - from what you thought would be your forever home

Uproot your family, your routine, to start again in a new place

Pack your bags and relocate- to the land where you first set down roots together

 I will send an angel to accompany you on your journey

And your friends will greet you at your destination

They will steady you when you falter

They will lift you up when the waves knock you down

For I will send you challenges, 

And In the end you will see great blessings

Its all in My master plan

You are here on My mission and I will protect you always.

Rosh Hashanah

 Its Rosh Hashanah and I've come to daven for the first time, in my new shul in my new neighborhood. With a toddler on my hip and a growing belly I look like the ladies all around me, but I have a lump in my throat. I remember the feelings of despair, hoping year after year that I'd have a baby. I  remember when it was difficult to go outside for it seemed that everyone around me was pregnant. Holding my healthy child, surrounded by the promise of new lives growing, the feelings still come back to me and they are real and raw like yesterday. Somewhere.. in this shul or in another, is a woman crying silently, hoping, praying for the new year to bring her the blessing of children. To that woman: I may look like everyone else but I see you, I feel your pain, and I pray that next year you'll have your own baby on your lap.

Lag baomer miracle

 My miracle is here.

For G-d does miracles constantly, Naturally.

G-d is always with me.

Like an agent guiding an airplane into the gate G-d is flagging me down saying "yooohoo, go this way" 

He is pointing me clearly in the direction I need to go.

I might not get there the way I want but the end result is the same..

Life is the experience of seeing G-d put the pieces together, way better than I ever could.

His hand is on my shoulder guiding me.

 The miracle is seeing it clearly.

That euphoria then fades into  the background of daily life.

 The path in front of me fills with confusion and uncertainty.

And then you appear.

 you encourage me, you hold me up, you fan the flame of hope in my soul.

The miracle is you.

 

Corona diaries

    There is a well known story of a poor man who went to the rabbi for advice about his home that was too crowded and too small. The rabbi told him to bring his animals into the house. He went back to the rabbi complaining of the noise and the dirt and telling him that it was more crowded than ever. The rabbi then told him to remove the animals after which the man savored the peace and was grateful for the space he had.

  Well, that recently happened to me: After 10 months of walking on egg shells, Corona came knocking at our  door.

      First, Dov was exposed by a child he interacts with outside our home. He had to quarantine in another part of the house. I was lonely, and although I had Maria's help with many household tasks I  had to lift and transfer Yossi all by myself for those ten days.  (It was especially difficult because Yossi is still recovering from surgery and not carrying his full weight.)

    Around the end of Dov's quarantine, Maria started to feel like like she had a small cold and her back which sometimes bothers her was flaring up. She took two days off and then returned. During that time, I started to get a sore throat and stuffy nose. I didn't think anything of it because its normal to get colds in the winter. A few days passed, and Dov and Miriam Simcha weren't feeling so great so I decided to get tested as a precaution.  Everyone tested positive including Maria as well as Yossi who had no symptoms at all. We decided not to test Miriam Simcha because she clearly had the symptoms. So, we began quarantine (Dov for the second time) without the benefit of Maria's help. Although our bout of covid was mild, it was difficult to work and care for the children, and do Yossi's teletherapy while both feeling quite unwell. The house was a big mess (Miriam Simcha is a good toddler emptying out every shelf and cabinet that she can get to) and Yossi's feeding tube came out of his stomach several times. Contact tracing called way too much (separate phone calls by separate representatives daily) until I discovered that we could opt out.  Our amazing neighbor picked up groceries and we did our best to support each other through it. 

    Most concerning was the big increase in Yossi's seizures that is still an ongoing issue. Although his seizures have never gone away, recently, they have been well controlled. In the past 5 years, he typically has up to a handful of seizures in a month. Around Chanukah, we started to see 1-2 seizures daily but once covid hit he was having hundreds of seizures in an hour. We could not take him to the hospital or doctor's office so as not to infect other people and we are very fortunate to have an incredible neurologist, pediatrician and pharmacist to help us manage everything from home. We tried a new medication that didn't work . Its nearly a month later and Yossi is still having seizures so we will be trying epidiolex (a strain of medical marjauna) to try and stop them.

    We each finished quarantine on a different day (based on the day of each person's positive test or first symptoms) but the fatigue extended well beyond that. As we started to resume our regular some of yossi's workers asked for us all to get negative tests before they return. Miriam Simcha's test came back positive and as it was her first test she had to quarantine again as a precaution even though she did not have symptoms.  I'm happy to say that this week we are all negative and feeling well, Yossi is finally in school, and MARIA IS BACK! Our typical hectic routine feels so slow and calm in comparison to the last month and much like the poor man in the story, I'm grateful for everything I have in my life.

    

    

perspective

 I have a friend who has a bunch of children very close in age one after the other. Of course that comes along with its share of clutter and toys strewn about. When the kids were little it was like any other typical house, well lived in and impossible to keep tidy. I remember how we would complain to each other about our messes, until the day she came to my house. "you call this a mess? your house is so neat!" she said. I answered her that my physical house might look neat but my life and affairs were very disorganized. she was skeptical but I said "everyone's mess is different, and everyone's mess/peckel is hard for them." 

Fast forward to this week, this friend posted how relieved she was to hold and hug her healthy children after a worrisome 2.5 weeks of them being quarantined with covid. Someone of course had to point out that she should be grateful it was only 2.5 weeks as there are many people who for various reasons have not seen their children in many months or even years. For some reason this comment really irritated me and found me saying again '"every person's peckel is hard for them". Of course every parent cares about their children, and every minute feels like days, but we should not minimize what someone is going through by comparing it to someone else's circumstance. We are in galus, everyone has it hard and we need to empathize unconditionally and offer our support when someone is struggling.