Sitting in shul
doling out toys
and snacks
and hugs
siddur in hand
child up and down
first in the stroller, then a chair
then on my lap
soon its time to stand
when the shofar sounds
hands wrapped around
a little boy so sweet
siddur out of reach
Eyes closed tight
the shofar blasts envelope me
they shake me to my core
and i offer up a silent prayer
Please Hashem no more pain this year
no more suffering and anguished cries
leave no one empty, broken, or bereft
no health scares or violence or theft
leave me no questions
no confusion or doubts
only answers and certainty
that you alone have sovereignty
help me always be aware
that You are always here
that You'll always be a listening ear
every time I shed a tear.
grant me my dreams, make them good for me
Give me clarity to feel your guidance at every moment
to know and see and understand
how all events are in your master plan
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
Friday, September 11, 2015
A Tale of a pair of pants
Yossi outgrew his shabbos clothes so in mid-june i bought him 2 new pairs of shabbos pants. just 3 weeks later both pairs of pants disappeared when we spent the weekend out of town. We didnt realize they were missing until the following shabbos. we searched the house high and low. im usually very methodical and i was completely baffled. it took a whole week to figure out how/where we could have possibly lost them. our host searched as well and the pants did not turn up. its was a little upsetting because formal pants are quite pricey and i never loose things, ever.
After a bit of moping about, i offered up a prayer: Please hashem let this be a kaparah. keep the 2 pairs of pants and give me 2 of my deepest wishes instead. Keep the pants, better they be lost instead of anything worse. i gave up on finding the pants and prayed that i'd be able to see how it was for the best.
just this week the pants were found and they are on their way back to our house. it seemed a bit anticlimactic after all the soul searching and leaving it up to Hashem (when was i ever really in control?)
I may not have gotten what i wished for but i definitely gained something. Ive gone through this process time and again, you think i'd have learned by now, but i still get aggravated/upset when things dont go my way. This incident was a another reminder that everything big and small is in Hashem hands. its a reminder to focus on my faith. Most of all its a reminder to keep working on my character.
Indeed there is a reason for everything. The pants have done their job!
After a bit of moping about, i offered up a prayer: Please hashem let this be a kaparah. keep the 2 pairs of pants and give me 2 of my deepest wishes instead. Keep the pants, better they be lost instead of anything worse. i gave up on finding the pants and prayed that i'd be able to see how it was for the best.
just this week the pants were found and they are on their way back to our house. it seemed a bit anticlimactic after all the soul searching and leaving it up to Hashem (when was i ever really in control?)
I may not have gotten what i wished for but i definitely gained something. Ive gone through this process time and again, you think i'd have learned by now, but i still get aggravated/upset when things dont go my way. This incident was a another reminder that everything big and small is in Hashem hands. its a reminder to focus on my faith. Most of all its a reminder to keep working on my character.
Indeed there is a reason for everything. The pants have done their job!
Saturday, August 29, 2015
Milestones
We're counting milestones instead of seizures! This concept is quite new to me and im really enjoying it! Yossi is too, he's been very busy making up for all the lost time.
last year at this time Yossi began crawling on all fours. he has continued to do so every day and has perfected the art. he crawls in his crib, he craws from room to room, he crawls into the the toy box! He crawls steadily with familiarity and ease. its so nice to see learn a new skill uninterrupted and get it down pat without a struggle.
last year at this time Yossi began crawling on all fours. he has continued to do so every day and has perfected the art. he crawls in his crib, he craws from room to room, he crawls into the the toy box! He crawls steadily with familiarity and ease. its so nice to see learn a new skill uninterrupted and get it down pat without a struggle.
Yiddishe Nachas
As part of our morning routine with Yossi we always daven, give tzedakah and kush tzitzis. its the same thing that all jewish little boys do every morning all around the world. yossi has begun participating more and lately he has been very excited when we put his tzitzis on him.
Yesterday when we were finished with the bracha on the tzitzis,Yossi continued holding his tzitzis properly in his hand while i walked away. He kept looking at me and when he thought i wasnt watching he carefully brought the tzitzis to his mouth to give them a kiss. When i came back to tell him "i saw you and im so proud of you" he broke out into a fit of laughter! He knows that he did it right and he thinks he's so clever trying to pretend that he doesnt know how!
I get such pride watching him kiss his tzitzis gently, and pursue the siddur with intense concentration. he draws close to him the mitzvos that we hold dear and it fills my heart with joy.
Yesterday when we were finished with the bracha on the tzitzis,Yossi continued holding his tzitzis properly in his hand while i walked away. He kept looking at me and when he thought i wasnt watching he carefully brought the tzitzis to his mouth to give them a kiss. When i came back to tell him "i saw you and im so proud of you" he broke out into a fit of laughter! He knows that he did it right and he thinks he's so clever trying to pretend that he doesnt know how!
I get such pride watching him kiss his tzitzis gently, and pursue the siddur with intense concentration. he draws close to him the mitzvos that we hold dear and it fills my heart with joy.
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Rain, Rain Go Away?
Recently i went out for a solitary stroll in the fresh evening breeze. on the way back, the skies suddenly opened up. i was about to sprint the last two blocks home when i realized that id rather be soaked and relaxed, than soaked and out of breath.
Its totally out of character for me (or maybe i just cant run like i used to) but i really enjoyed myself (walking extra slowly on purpose) even though i came home completely soaked from head to toe. i finally had this realization that im not in control so i just have to embrace the moment. it was very refreshing (literally) and very emotionally invigorating. i think i should walk in the rain more often- i can definitely use a reminder that Hashem holds the reins. You should try it sometime, as much as you dislike the thought of it, you will see your stress wash away and your tension disappear. who knows, you might even find it fun!
Its totally out of character for me (or maybe i just cant run like i used to) but i really enjoyed myself (walking extra slowly on purpose) even though i came home completely soaked from head to toe. i finally had this realization that im not in control so i just have to embrace the moment. it was very refreshing (literally) and very emotionally invigorating. i think i should walk in the rain more often- i can definitely use a reminder that Hashem holds the reins. You should try it sometime, as much as you dislike the thought of it, you will see your stress wash away and your tension disappear. who knows, you might even find it fun!
Thursday, July 30, 2015
Mischief Maker
This past week, Yossi has heard me tell over his most recent adventures to anyone who walks in the door. i've decided to stop annoying him by repeating them in front of him but i could not resist telling them over just one more time.. you certainly dont need speech in order to be expressive and opinionated. also he's funny as heck and laughs at his own jokes!
1. SLEEPY HEAD-
In Language Arts class Yossi was very excitedly participating in the story the class was reading.
when they broke into groups to discuss the story Yossi suddenly appeared to doze off. Due to his medications Yossi sometimes falls asleep in class but the teacher was suspicious so she put a toy in front of him. As soon as the toy came into view, Yossi lifted his head. "Gotcha" said the teacher, "no toy for you, now you have to do some work". Yossi put his head down and again pretended to be sleeping. the teacher told him "it only works if we didnt see you do it but, i KNOW you are pretending" Yossi picked up his head again and laughed so hard- he was so proud of himself!
2. ON/OFF
A friend is moving and she gave us some of the toys they are not taking with. She was so excited to get rid of a play key board because " the sound is soooo annoying" Yossi pounced on the toys when he saw them but promptly turned off the keyboard when he heard the loud high pitched sounds. ive since turned it on for him several times and he deliberately turns on the sound every time! i think he likes the sound of his own voice better!
3. IN A RUSH
Today Yossi took a trip to the zoo with Chana. from the moment he was strapped into his booster, Yossi impatiently tapped the seat beside him until Chana sat down. He wanted to hurry up and get there to see the animals.
4. ESCAPE ARTIST
Shabbos day im preparing the salads and Yossi is playing beside me. Dov is sitting on the porch with a sefer next to the open door that let in a wonderful breeze. suddenly i look down next to me and Yossi isnt there anymore. my great outdoor's man crawled out of the kitchen, down the hall, and out the front door to get some fresh air with his Tatti!!! every time he saw me watching he stopped crawling until i went back into the kitchen- not sure if he was trying to sneak away or prepare a suprise, either way i think the hallway is longer than he estimated but he did make it out! usually its fairly simple to corral Yossi with toys, its incredible to see him take initiative and go exploring (is he trying to test my limits?)
5. SO MUCH TO DO
Yossi was playing on the floor after school while i sat on the couch with the laptop printing out his camp applications. He crawled over to me and started to climb on my lap and grab the computer. i tickled him and sent him to go play so he crawled back over to his toy box. 2 minutes later he crawled back over and tried to get on my lap again. i gave him kisses and sent him back to play. he crawled back over to the toys but a few minutes later he crawled back over to me. i gave up my work with a chuckle and put him beside me to play.. i love that he crawls regularly now without a thought, something that was a huge deal a year ago. its amazing how he can get his point across without saying a word.
6. PLAYING FAVORITES
We were rushing around this morning getting ready for school and work. Yossi was chilling in his kitchen chair. i opened the fridge to prepare a lunch for yossi and i observed that Chana had made one the previous night. out loud i exclaimed "Chana is that awesome !" (she really is)
Yossi broke out into a brilliant grin and a string of babbling upon hearing those words. he's very attached and so am i, we are so lucky to have chana in our family.
7. SPA SERVICE
If you sit down in front of Yossi or beside him, he is going to put his legs in your lap. This kid have never met a foot rub he didnt like!
8. IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT
Yossi is always happy and he loves to kick when he is in a cheerful mood. alas, when he kicks in his chair it loosens all of the screws and causes the chair to tip. we are always looking for ways to stop him. this morning while yossi was kicking, on the spur of the moment i began to sing 'if you;re happy and you know it kick your feet' . it was a real hit, and we had a blast. then we got to the second verse ' if you're happy and you know it wave your hands' lo and behold he stopped kicking and started waving his hands! so he CAN listen when he WANTS to or when he is MOTIVATED/EXCITED! sounds just like every other kid i know!
1. SLEEPY HEAD-
In Language Arts class Yossi was very excitedly participating in the story the class was reading.
when they broke into groups to discuss the story Yossi suddenly appeared to doze off. Due to his medications Yossi sometimes falls asleep in class but the teacher was suspicious so she put a toy in front of him. As soon as the toy came into view, Yossi lifted his head. "Gotcha" said the teacher, "no toy for you, now you have to do some work". Yossi put his head down and again pretended to be sleeping. the teacher told him "it only works if we didnt see you do it but, i KNOW you are pretending" Yossi picked up his head again and laughed so hard- he was so proud of himself!
2. ON/OFF
A friend is moving and she gave us some of the toys they are not taking with. She was so excited to get rid of a play key board because " the sound is soooo annoying" Yossi pounced on the toys when he saw them but promptly turned off the keyboard when he heard the loud high pitched sounds. ive since turned it on for him several times and he deliberately turns on the sound every time! i think he likes the sound of his own voice better!
3. IN A RUSH
Today Yossi took a trip to the zoo with Chana. from the moment he was strapped into his booster, Yossi impatiently tapped the seat beside him until Chana sat down. He wanted to hurry up and get there to see the animals.
4. ESCAPE ARTIST
Shabbos day im preparing the salads and Yossi is playing beside me. Dov is sitting on the porch with a sefer next to the open door that let in a wonderful breeze. suddenly i look down next to me and Yossi isnt there anymore. my great outdoor's man crawled out of the kitchen, down the hall, and out the front door to get some fresh air with his Tatti!!! every time he saw me watching he stopped crawling until i went back into the kitchen- not sure if he was trying to sneak away or prepare a suprise, either way i think the hallway is longer than he estimated but he did make it out! usually its fairly simple to corral Yossi with toys, its incredible to see him take initiative and go exploring (is he trying to test my limits?)
5. SO MUCH TO DO
Yossi was playing on the floor after school while i sat on the couch with the laptop printing out his camp applications. He crawled over to me and started to climb on my lap and grab the computer. i tickled him and sent him to go play so he crawled back over to his toy box. 2 minutes later he crawled back over and tried to get on my lap again. i gave him kisses and sent him back to play. he crawled back over to the toys but a few minutes later he crawled back over to me. i gave up my work with a chuckle and put him beside me to play.. i love that he crawls regularly now without a thought, something that was a huge deal a year ago. its amazing how he can get his point across without saying a word.
6. PLAYING FAVORITES
We were rushing around this morning getting ready for school and work. Yossi was chilling in his kitchen chair. i opened the fridge to prepare a lunch for yossi and i observed that Chana had made one the previous night. out loud i exclaimed "Chana is that awesome !" (she really is)
Yossi broke out into a brilliant grin and a string of babbling upon hearing those words. he's very attached and so am i, we are so lucky to have chana in our family.
7. SPA SERVICE
If you sit down in front of Yossi or beside him, he is going to put his legs in your lap. This kid have never met a foot rub he didnt like!
8. IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT
Yossi is always happy and he loves to kick when he is in a cheerful mood. alas, when he kicks in his chair it loosens all of the screws and causes the chair to tip. we are always looking for ways to stop him. this morning while yossi was kicking, on the spur of the moment i began to sing 'if you;re happy and you know it kick your feet' . it was a real hit, and we had a blast. then we got to the second verse ' if you're happy and you know it wave your hands' lo and behold he stopped kicking and started waving his hands! so he CAN listen when he WANTS to or when he is MOTIVATED/EXCITED! sounds just like every other kid i know!
Sunday, June 28, 2015
left behind
goodbye my friend
but not forever
on to things bigger and better
i will miss you all day long
i cant believe you'll really be gone
time to move to somewhere new
what will routine be like without you?
things dont stay the same forever
but i'll miss the smile that lights up any weather
your presence always here
now this change i cannot bear.
i feel so lost without my friends
i wish this day would never end
relationships fade with distance
i wish there was a way to fix this
and the ones i'll miss the most
are the kids who welcomed yossi into their homes
purest hearts you've ever met
their acceptance (of yossi) my safety net
we're not stuck here if we dont want to be
staying put still better and easier for yossi
when the pros outweigh the cons
but everyone else is gone
as 'normal' as we try to be
still left with our reality
yossi is our pride, our fame
our life is different, not the same
dreams crumbled in a million pieces
we dont know Hashem's reasons
my little boy i'd never trade
but with the joy also comes pain
deep sadness in my heart and mind
when i see i'm left behind
but not forever
on to things bigger and better
i will miss you all day long
i cant believe you'll really be gone
time to move to somewhere new
what will routine be like without you?
things dont stay the same forever
but i'll miss the smile that lights up any weather
your presence always here
now this change i cannot bear.
i feel so lost without my friends
i wish this day would never end
relationships fade with distance
i wish there was a way to fix this
and the ones i'll miss the most
are the kids who welcomed yossi into their homes
purest hearts you've ever met
their acceptance (of yossi) my safety net
we're not stuck here if we dont want to be
staying put still better and easier for yossi
when the pros outweigh the cons
but everyone else is gone
as 'normal' as we try to be
still left with our reality
yossi is our pride, our fame
our life is different, not the same
dreams crumbled in a million pieces
we dont know Hashem's reasons
my little boy i'd never trade
but with the joy also comes pain
deep sadness in my heart and mind
when i see i'm left behind
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