Sunday, April 22, 2018

moving on

When the month of elul approaches there is always an air of expectancy. 3 summers ago, i felt that feeling and a little extra, the feeling of big changes ahead. I davened hard that summer asking hashem to make that feeling a reality. I asked hashem to give my life some direction, and to grant me at least 2 of my 3 big wishes that ive been davening for,for quite some time.

Hashem heard my prayers and shortly after the start of the new year my  dearest longtime friend (since kindergarten) announced her engagement. On a high from that i waited for everything else to fall into place. It was a hard,hectic, and emotional year but hashem always comes through, even if its at the last second.

we've been looking at houses for the last 5 years but none of them were right for us.  for about a year we vamped up our search looking at everything that came on the market in our neighborhood and the surrounding areas.  it seemed like we were chasing the impossible. every house that we tried to buy seemed maddeningly out of reach. every lead we perused fell apart in our hands. at one point i started telling our friends that we would buy a house when Hashem drops one in our laps. Our landlord knew that we wanted very much to buy his house but when it came time to sell it was well out of our range, it made me upset knowing that it was in such poor condition it wasn't worth the money he asked for it. he didnt even consider our offer and in the end sold it for not too much more than we were willing to pay.

Staying in New York was the best option for getting Yossi the care that he needs so we started to research places all across the state, mainly  within the the City itself. the easiest thing would have been to stay where we were but we weren't having much success. our basic requirements were an eiruv and a shul so thats how we landed on staten island. at one point we had several prospects in both locations at once only for them all to fizzle out. the crazy market and our search that got nowhere made us very frustrated and left us feeling hopeless.

people told us we would never find what we were looking for, that it was unrealistic and we would have to settle but we didnt back down. spending so much money on a forever home that wont work for our growing yossi would have been a big waste.

Then came the day that i told dov that i was finished. he was free to see houses but i was done, i had no more energy to give.  dov continued on his own seeing several properties but not too much came of them. until one sunday our realtor called. " i previewed a house for you and when i walked in i heard angels singing, its perfect, this is the house for you, the owner will wait for you if you can get here soon"  an hour later we were in staten island seeing the house together.

The house was in great condition and was suitable beyond our wildest dreams. the house was so perfect, we could move in after just a fresh coat of paint. and it had just the right amount of closets and cabinets.  the layout was so sensible and the house was everything we had wanted for ourselves while still accommodating yossi's needs easily.

we looked at so many houses, tried to buy them, and come of with ways to make them work but this house just worked from the start. walking through each room i knew that this was our house. i was so shocked by the clarity of it that i could not hold back my exclamations of delight. i told the owner about yossi and how long we had been searching for a house that would work for him.

imagine my amazement 1 hour later that we had an accepted offer from the owner, before we even got back home! so began a whirlwind of paperwork and waiting with baited breath, for signatures on a contract and for the bank to approve our mortgage. the seller stalled a little and we finalized the sale just days before rosh hashanah. after juggling yomtov and repairs and packing we moved to staten island right after sukkos.

every single day, dov and i look at each other in wonder. to see how much stress we had during our search and how easily everything clicked together in the right time. we appreciate anew every day how this house fits our every need, how this neighborhood is wonderful and how we love our rabbi with his accessible shul and welcoming congregation. the lifestyle is calmer, the quality of life better, the people friendlier and thoughtful. plus we have a yard and parking. to be sure we miss our friends, but hotel zeichner is open for business and we are just a short ride away from the people we love.

now 1.5 years later we are becoming part of the  community more and more and we are working on a wheelchair platform stair lift so that our home will be entirely accessible to yossi.
in all my life i never imagined that life would lead me here, but it could not be more perfect. we always know that Hashem runs the show but im so grateful and inspired by such a beautiful happy reminder. when i think of how lost we were and how Hashem brought us everything we needed. now if only i can hold on to that feeling the next time things go wrong and remember that as desperate as we are at times, Hashem brings everything together in the end.

Spring

Is it really spring? its hard to tell.
the weather is so up and down
the temperature changes so many times a day

even the trees are confused
some are in full bloom
others, bare as in the dead of winter
like the scraggly tree outside my window
its branches thin and empty
nestled between two other trees full of life and vibrant colors

i do not remember those trees having any flowers last year
yet here they are so bright and fresh
a pretty  pink and white
every time i look out my window they have a calming effect
but i still wonder why they are here now and were not there before

there is something wonderful about the spring, when vegetation is renewing
life is turning up a notch the possibilities are blooming
and the flowers outside my window, can they mean something too?
that happy times are coming soon, im looking forward, how about you?



Wednesday, March 14, 2018

4 hours

Drop of yossi,Drop off friend
Stop to chat with another friend

2 errands and 2 different stores
Then circle back to find your son
Plug in tubie freshen up (yossi)

2 more errands then im back
To unplug yossi from tubie backapack

Then to lunch with a friend
Some quiet time,not rushed, G-d send

Then im back for round four
Plug in again and change some more

4 hours of running, im so hot
But each time i found a parking spot

Time filled until the last minute
Friendship love and sunshine in it

Tired and rejuvenated
Proud of myself that i made it

I got everything done
And even had a little fun

Im inspired again today
Seeing Small miracles at play




Wednesday, November 29, 2017

ask me after

ask me after and i'll tell you what we've done
because our plans change that fast all the time
without a plan i'm lost, but having one,
doesnt mean i'll stick to it

sometimes i cant make up my mind
or another family member is conflicted.
then things happen beyond our control
its all HASHEM's work

i plan to the last detail, but really im just along for the ride
we have to work hard if we want something done
but i usually watch it unravel before my eyes
as Hashem puts together something much better

It always works out in the end.
Its just a matter of how calm or crazy
it will be on the way there

im fighting to slow down and stay calm
trying to enjoy each step of the process
If only i can remember when its hard,
the marvel that i feel each time things come together perfectly

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Boating Bliss

we went to the store and ended up on a lake.  how you ask?

 well..  Sunday we ran an errand in a nearby town then googled a local playground. there we found a sprinkler and a lake with boat rentals.  amazingly there was no line, a far cry from the crowds in Brooklyn.  so the 3 of us climbed into a boat and went pedaling around the lake . its so much fun to do something adult that our child can enjoy too. its so much fun to watch yossi explore like its his first time (he's been before as a baby/toddler but there is a special joy in seeing your child  old enough to understand what he is doing and remember it)

we came home at the end of the day tired and satisfied. i was struck by how normal the day was.. for one day, for a few hours we were just a regular family enjoying a typical weekend together.

Saturday, August 19, 2017

A Prayer answered

a problem shared is a problem halved.  on friday i reached out on facebook for prayers and support, just putting it out there took a weight off my chest. i was able to relax and put my worries away for shabbos.

this week has been a whirlwind of activity. the house is buzzing with people of all ages- friends from out of town who i seldom see are staying over. its hectic but i feel so alive, surrounded by my dearest friends and biggest supporters.

 i took a trip with one of them to the ohel, it was brief and i was distracted because i had yossi with me but i knew that i had come to the right address.

while juggling this week's regular schedule on top of appointments and everything else, i somehow managed to daven  each morning, mostly because yossi was still asleep.

a new initiative that ive started with a friend is a gratefulness challenge (we adapted the idea from an article online). im exchanging daily texts with one friend, listing the things im grateful for

all of these things are small little things that add up eventually. when you do these things, over time your outlook changes. all these things  add up to just a few minutes in my day but im uplifted and i have more energy  and more will to get things done. im also more cognizant of Hashem's guiding hand in my life.

today in the midst of a full, high pressured day our entire plans for the coming days got a big shake up. normally such a change would put me in a tizzy  but im not upset one bit. i cant help but feel lighter, more free. im just marveling at how much sense it makes, the potential, the possibilities.i would have never gone in this direction, had Hashem not caused it. but HIS plan is SO much better .  its a wonderful feeling to recognize the divine providence, in something so small and mundane.I know Hashem is always listening but today i see my prayers answered.


Friday, August 11, 2017

A Prayer

im reading my email and ready to scream,
Another set back in this long drawn out process
The angry mama bear is starting to rise up in me
What have i not done, what would i not give
To get this sorted

My defenses are up and im ready for battle
 i take  a deep breath and let it out slowly
 im left with deep sadness

I offer up a prayer to G-d
I turn to my friends to carry that plea
Because i cannot do it alone

Carry my prayers heavenward
My hopes and dreams for tomorrow
So that we'll have what we need
For the people we were created to be
For the people we were created to care for
And for the people we hope to become

Im still staring into the unknown
My queries Not yet answered
I know not how and when
But im at peace because Hashem's got it covered