Thursday, April 29, 2021

Lag baomer miracle

 My miracle is here.

For G-d does miracles constantly, Naturally.

G-d is always with me.

Like an agent guiding an airplane into the gate G-d is flagging me down saying "yooohoo, go this way" 

He is pointing me clearly in the direction I need to go.

I might not get there the way I want but the end result is the same..

Life is the experience of seeing G-d put the pieces together, way better than I ever could.

His hand is on my shoulder guiding me.

 The miracle is seeing it clearly.

That euphoria then fades into  the background of daily life.

 The path in front of me fills with confusion and uncertainty.

And then you appear.

 you encourage me, you hold me up, you fan the flame of hope in my soul.

The miracle is you.

 




Saturday, February 13, 2021

Corona diaries

    There is a well known story of a poor man who went to the rabbi for advice about his home that was too crowded and too small. The rabbi told him to bring his animals into the house. He went back to the rabbi complaining of the noise and the dirt and telling him that it was more crowded than ever. The rabbi then told him to remove the animals after which the man savored the peace and was grateful for the space he had.

  Well, that recently happened to me: After 10 months of walking on egg shells, Corona came knocking at our  door.

      First, Dov was exposed by a child he interacts with outside our home. He had to quarantine in another part of the house. I was lonely, and although I had Maria's help with many household tasks I  had to lift and transfer Yossi all by myself for those ten days.  (It was especially difficult because Yossi is still recovering from surgery and not carrying his full weight.)

    Around the end of Dov's quarantine, Maria started to feel like like she had a small cold and her back which sometimes bothers her was flaring up. She took two days off and then returned. During that time, I started to get a sore throat and stuffy nose. I didn't think anything of it because its normal to get colds in the winter. A few days passed, and Dov and Miriam Simcha weren't feeling so great so I decided to get tested as a precaution.  Everyone tested positive including Maria as well as Yossi who had no symptoms at all. We decided not to test Miriam Simcha because she clearly had the symptoms. So, we began quarantine (Dov for the second time) without the benefit of Maria's help. Although our bout of covid was mild, it was difficult to work and care for the children, and do Yossi's teletherapy while both feeling quite unwell. The house was a big mess (Miriam Simcha is a good toddler emptying out every shelf and cabinet that she can get to) and Yossi's feeding tube came out of his stomach several times. Contact tracing called way too much (separate phone calls by separate representatives daily) until I discovered that we could opt out.  Our amazing neighbor picked up groceries and we did our best to support each other through it. 

    Most concerning was the big increase in Yossi's seizures that is still an ongoing issue. Although his seizures have never gone away, recently, they have been well controlled. In the past 5 years, he typically has up to a handful of seizures in a month. Around Chanukah, we started to see 1-2 seizures daily but once covid hit he was having hundreds of seizures in an hour. We could not take him to the hospital or doctor's office so as not to infect other people and we are very fortunate to have an incredible neurologist, pediatrician and pharmacist to help us manage everything from home. We tried a new medication that didn't work . Its nearly a month later and Yossi is still having seizures so we will be trying epidiolex (a strain of medical marjauna) to try and stop them.

    We each finished quarantine on a different day (based on the day of each person's positive test or first symptoms) but the fatigue extended well beyond that. As we started to resume our regular some of yossi's workers asked for us all to get negative tests before they return. Miriam Simcha's test came back positive and as it was her first test she had to quarantine again as a precaution even though she did not have symptoms.  I'm happy to say that this week we are all negative and feeling well, Yossi is finally in school, and MARIA IS BACK! Our typical hectic routine feels so slow and calm in comparison to the last month and much like the poor man in the story, I'm grateful for everything I have in my life.

    

    

Saturday, January 9, 2021

perspective

 I have a friend who has a bunch of children very close in age one after the other. Of course that comes along with its share of clutter and toys strewn about. When the kids were little it was like any other typical house, well lived in and impossible to keep tidy. I remember how we would complain to each other about our messes, until the day she came to my house. "you call this a mess? your house is so neat!" she said. I answered her that my physical house might look neat but my life and affairs were very disorganized. she was skeptical but I said "everyone's mess is different, and everyone's mess/peckel is hard for them." 

Fast forward to this week, this friend posted how relieved she was to hold and hug her healthy children after a worrisome 2.5 weeks of them being quarantined with covid. Someone of course had to point out that she should be grateful it was only 2.5 weeks as there are many people who for various reasons have not seen their children in many months or even years. For some reason this comment really irritated me and found me saying again '"every person's peckel is hard for them". Of course every parent cares about their children, and every minute feels like days, but we should not minimize what someone is going through by comparing it to someone else's circumstance. We are in galus, everyone has it hard and we need to empathize unconditionally and offer our support when someone is struggling.

Thursday, July 16, 2020

6 months

People always say to cherish every moment when children are small because they grow up fast. It's true! Years of longing stretch forever. Then finally I'm holding my very own baby and suddenly she is six months old!

Today* is her half birthday and se is developing so much, it's hard to keep up. Miriam Simcha has a delightful smile and the most infectious laugh that I'm never tired of.. she loves to eat (got my genes so no surprise there) and she adores when Tatti sings to her, he can calm her cries in an instant. She's a ham for the camera like her grandpa and she loves to stick out her tongue exclusively for grandma..

Miriam Simcha recently got her first two teeth, she rolls from back to front and swims on the floor. She's continuing full speed ahead try to get on all fours, and trying to sit up.


*this was written in April when Miriam Simcha turned 6 months and posted later

And you should teach them to your children...

Today Miriam Simcha saw a garbage truck for the first time. We were enjoying the beautiful weather in our front yard, when the truck made its rounds down our street. The friendly driver smiled at Miriam Simcha (who wouldn't, she's so cute?) and beeped his horn many times for her. Miriam Simcha observed intently but kept a straight face as she usually does when encountering new people and new situations. She allowed me to take her hand and we waved to the driver and said thank you and I imitated the sound of the horn.

 Watching her, the thought struck me, that garbage trucks are just one of the many things that we take for granted. We know what they are, we always see them and they are so much part of our life that we don't think too much about them (unless we are stuck behind one.) But the knowledge has to start somewhere.. as little kids we most likely learned what it was just by seeing the garbage truck pass down our block over and over again.

 Today was a reminder that little children are like sponges, that Miriam Simcha is watching and learning from everything around her. Its a reminder that I cannot just be passive and let things seep into her mind. Instead I must take an active role in her life and use every experience as a teaching moment so that she will grown up to be kind, gracious, thoughtful and appreciative.

Saturday, April 4, 2020

accidental bucket list

its three years since we moved to staten island and life has been busier than ever. still, we are all reaping the benefits of a calmer cleaner lifestyle, more space and fresher air. We enjoyed some new firsts with yossi this past summer before i broke my foot. It was amazing to watch him experience kayaking and go karts for the first time. I can't wait to see what new activities we'll try this year (if the corona virus would just go away!)

Sunday, December 8, 2019

The firsts. Round two.

First smile, first bath, first cooes,
First tzedakah, first lulav first shabbos too

By far much better in any weather
Than first seizure and first fracture

Little girl is well traveled already,
First trip to shul, to the mall, to the airport,
And she's touring the boroughs she seen three already
But no visits to hospitals or specialists or surgeries

At two months yossi was below his birth weight, now Miriam Simcha is the same age and she's already moving to the next clothing size and doing more still. She's starting to find her fingers, to move around in her bed, to observe everything going on.

And I just keep watching her in awe. That she's here, that she's healthy, that she's mine.